Sixth Sense for Sex Offenders

I've got a sixth sense for sex offenders
I can spot you a mile off
I've got a sixth sense for sex offenders
Do you work on Top of the Pops?
I've got a sixth sense for sex offenders
Your girlfriend's shorter than one metre
Sixth sense for sex offenders
Do you work on Blue Peter?

Are you really friendly and nice?
Do you worship Jesus Christ?
Do you teach mathematics?
Do you know a lot about women's gymnastics?
Do you take selfies in the gym?
Are your pronouns "he" and "him"?
Do you have an artificial tan?
Are you a man?

I've got a sixth sense for sex offenders
I can spot you a mile off
I've got a sixth sense for sex offenders
Do you work on Top of the Pops?
I've got a sixth sense for sex offenders
Your girlfriend's shorter than one metre
Sixth sense for sex offenders
Do you work on Blue Peter?

Do you wear really tight shorts?
Do you enjoy water sports?
Do you have a bad moustache?
Is your favourite superhero The Flash?
Are you out of touch with reality?
Are you a member of the Royal Family?
Do you work in the Vatican?
Are you a man?

I've got a sixth sense for sex offenders
I can spot you a mile off
I've got a sixth sense for sex offenders
Do you work on Top of the Pops?
I've got a sixth sense for sex offenders
Your girlfriend's shorter than one metre
Sixth sense for sex offenders
Do you work on Blue Peter?

Children's TV presenter
Children's TV producer
Children's TV director
Children's TV actor
Children's TV writer
Children's TV editor
Children's TV puppet
Children's TV muppet

I've got a sixth sense for sex offenders
I can spot you a mile off
I've got a sixth sense for sex offenders
Do you work on Top of the Pops?
I've got a sixth sense for sex offenders
Your girlfriend's shorter than one metre
Sixth sense for sex offenders
Do you work on Blue Peter?

Do you work on Blue Peter?
Do you work on Blue Peter?
Do you work on Blue Peter?
Do you work on Blue Peter?

Sixth sense for sex offenders

Fire at the Chip Shop

We got Sarson's vinegar, malt or white
Some cunt set the place alight
There's a fire at the chip shop
Fire at the chip shop

Some cunt's left the crab cakes on
That's flammable crustacean
There's a fire at the chip shop
Fire at the chip shop

Mackerel, salmon, cod or haddock
This place is a fucking hazard
There's a fire at the chip shop
Fire at the chip shop

We're not insured for slips and trips
I broke my neck on a bag of chips
There's a fire at the chip shop
Fire at the chip shop

I caught Kevin masturbating
We've got a negative food safety rating
There's a fire at the chip shop
Fire at the chip shop

Watch yourself get fatter and fatter
Kevin spunked into the batter
There's a fire at the chip shop
Fire at the chip shop

Watch the flames get higher and higher
Kevin shat in the deep fat fryer
There's a fire at the chip shop and
It's for the best
This fucking place is a fucking mess
I'm fifty fucking grand in debt
I spent all my savings on pickled eggs
Nobody likes pickled eggs 

There's a fire at the chip shop
Fire at the chip shop
Fire at the chip shop
Fire at the chip shop

I only like challenging music

I only like challenging music
I don't suppose you'd get it

Music that sounds like a pneumatic drill
or the hum at the back of the fridge

Music that is known to cause headaches,
brain tumours
or to stop the heart entirely

Music that makes you want to kill yourself
and all of those around you

Manson music

I only like challenging music
The kind that separates families

The kind that would stand up in court
as a legitimate motive for divorce

You'd play it for the judge and they'd say
"yeah, fair enough"
and stamp the papers immediately

I only like challenging music
music with a lecture attached

Music that, with the help of a mathematical formula,
you can prove is actually, technically
really clever shit

I only like challenging music

I saw this band once
they played their entire set
on pieces of reclaimed furniture
I was the only person in the audience
it was incredible!

I only like challenging music

Music that lasts an entire month
or half a second
just BLIP and it's over

After the gig we have a fag
I look my mate in the eye and we both agree
that that was the best half a second
of our entire lives

I only like challenging music

3 hours of whale sounds interspersed
with harsh white noise
the audio equivalent of the Ludovico Technique
in A Clockwork Orange
I scream through the entire album
blooding dripping from my ears
as I emerge
a changed man

I only like challenging music
from bands with unpronounceable names
from bands whose names are designed purposefully
so that the tongue can't reach them

bands like Ungl'unl'rrl'chchch
or ttttttt
those are both real bands
you can look them up on Spotify
if you can figure out how to spell their names

I only like challenging music

Music that makes your dog leave the room
music that causes riots halfway across the world
dangerous music
illegal music

I only like challenging music

Music that is not designed for the ears of a human
but rather the ears of a bat
or a woodlouse
or a coffee table

Music for plants, why not?

a concerto for philodendron
a symphony for a spider plant
a waltz for wisteria

I only like challenging music

Music that is intolerably loud
or imperceptibly quiet
music for the deaf
soundtracks for the blind
invisible music
inaudible music

I only like challenging music

Music that is purely theoretical
music that cannot be played by humans
animals
vegetables
or machines

Music that cannot be heard, felt, touched, tasted,
rubbed up against, trodden upon, dug up,
jumped over, folded up, transported, chewed,
licked, thrown, catapulted, digested, inhaled,
enjoyed or seen

Music for the deceased

That's the music for me

Three Cheers for the Pornstars

I had a hard day at work, I was taking calls
I was working flat-out
I was balls-to-the-wall
at 5.05 I made a call
to my good friend Alexis Payne

I said Alexis, babe, I've had a hell of a day
I've been working flat-out for minimal pay
in an office block that's grey and grey
and grey and grey and grey

I said "tell me, honey, how have you been?"
she said "same old, same old
I've been shooting a few scenes
do you want to know more or shall I keep it clean?"
I said "give me all you've got"

She said "I got fucked up the arse at 9.01
by 12.45 I was swallowing cum
I knew I shouldn't have picked a smoothie for lunch
Christ it didn't sit well

Things got worse 2.56
when I was assaulted by a barrage of dicks
some black, some white, some thin, some thick
my smoothie almost jumped from my throat

My body was contorted into every position
on the battlefield of sex
this was a war of attrition
I told the director to call a physician
my cunt was fucking raw

I was just about ready to lose the plot
my body was tied up in a Gordian knot
when, at last, it came time for the moneyshot
but something wasn't quite right

The bloke was standing over me, stiff as can be
6 inches away from ecstasy
I was thinking about what to make for tea
curry or cod and chips?

He was wanking and wanking but he couldn't cum
his cock was like a deactivated gun
people think being a pornstar's fun
but this is how I pay the rent

The director yelled 'cut' not a moment too soon
this stud's cock was like a deflated balloon
I tell ya, what a funny afternoon
we'll pick up the shot tomorrow

Anyway, babe, that's all I have to say
why don't you tell me about your day?
about that horrible office block that's grey
and phone calls and all that shit?"

I opened my mouth to speak
silence down the line
"nah, you know what, mate?
you're fine"

I don't like Italians

I don't like Italians
I don't like the Italian people

I sit in a café in Penge
eating my beans on toast
I hear the word "allora"
and my blood begins to boil

I don't like Italians
I don't like the Italian language

In Italian every word ends with a vowel -
NO EXCEPTIONS -
This is not magnifico, eccellente or spettacolare
I'm arrabbiato - these people can't be trusted!

I don't like Italians
I don't like Italian art

I stare determinedly at the Renaissance masters
and feel nothing
Everybody talks about light and shadow
and brushstrokes
but all I see is a fat baby with wings
giggling at a man in chains

I travel to Firenze to make a date with David
and all I think is "God, what a great arse"
"So much better than mine"

I don't like Italians
I don't like Italian books

I read the Divine Comedy looking for a laugh!
Turns out it's all about Hell
and some bloke named Virgil?
I haven't got a clue

I don't like Italians
I don't like Italian food

I order a pizza and I weep
I weep into my pizza
I pick up a slice to dry my eyes with,
but it doesn't help -
now I just have pizza on my face

I order a bowl of spaghetti
and picture that scene from Lady and the Tramp
but I'm all alone
I'm just eating spaghetti the regular way

I don't like Italians
I don't like Italian music

I thought I heard Pavarotti in my garden
singing 'O Sole Mio'
and my heart skipped a beat
but it was just the lawnmower
and anyway,
Pavarotti died of pancreatic cancer in 2007

I don't like Italians
and maybe it's my fault

maybe I feel threatened by their elegance,
their poise, their savoir faire

maybe I'll never understand coffee or cannoli

or the thrill of a vespa

as the Italian wind blows through my Italian hair
and I say "ti amo"
to my lover in the back seat

and maybe it's because Martina is Italian

and that didn't work out

and now all of Italy is ruined for me
like an abandoned fun fair

and with every failed romance
I will blot out another country on the map

until all that's left is me

in a café in Penge
eating my beans on toast
and complaining about the weather

Wedding Vows

My love,

I promise to fill you up with cum
Whenever I get the chance

I will redecorate the walls of your
Pussy with my cum

I will paint a white Mona Lisa
On the walls of your pussy
With a fresh pint of my cum

And we can mutually masturbate whilst we wait
For the Argos delivery

A flat pack crib to cradle the product of
Our love (when we do it the proper way)

I will let you peg me whilst we watch Blue Planet
I’ll even wear a ball gag

I will let you fuck me up the arse with
A strap-on whilst I wear a ball gag
And half-listen to Attenborough decry the
Horrors of plastic pollution

How there is only one ocean, our ocean

And I will shoot ropes of spunk onto your
Fresh bedsheets whilst you grip my waist
And pound me like an Olympian

I would do all this for you

I will gargle your piss like mouthwash
I will floss with your pubic hair

I will French kiss you over the toilet bowl
Whilst you throw up chunks of biryani
And wads of naan like cotton balls

And I will spank you hard

In our time together I will spank your
Arse through every shade of red from

Carmine to crimson
From scarlet to sangria
From chilli to cherry
From burgundy to blood

And every other shade on the Dulux Colour Chart

I will wear your pussy like a face mask

I will paint my face with your period blood
And swallow what is left

I will drink shots of your pussy blood
Or sip it neat with ice as we sit by the fire

And watch Slavoj Žižek lisp his way
Through an existential crisis

I will leave no stone unturned

I will fuck your mouth, your arsehole,
Your pussy, your hands, your feet
And your mind

I will invent new ways to fuck

I will keep a copy of the Kama Sutra
On the coffee table next to a hotline to the stars

A telephone connected to all life in the known universe
To ask the aliens how they do it and
(Assuming they can speak English and
Their genitals are even remotely similar)
If I can get any tips

And I will buy you candles and flowers and wine
And I will love you

And I will play with your hair whilst you sleep

And maybe even cry

No Love in London

I left my heart in a coffee cup
in a ground floor flat in Morden
I left my smile in a bin bag
in the bottom of a skip in Croydon
my eyes are like two lifeless holes
the opaque windows to my soul
I left a piece of it in the road
to greet the 5 o’clock traffic

I’d like to kiss you one more time
my lips are like leather and sand
I’d like to hold you one more time
I have razorblades for hands
I’d like to fuck you one more time
my penis has turned to dust
I’d like to fuck you one more time
I’ve got cement instead of cum

I left my lungs in an ashtray
in an alley behind Vauxhall Park
I left my spine in formaldehyde
in the belly of a shark
my tongue is adrift in the bottom of a pit
it’s covered by a lake of piss and shit
this is the long and short of it:
there is no love in London