I went to the doctor and she made her demands
You’ve got to take life in your own two hands
You’ve got to take your two hands off your knob
I opened my mouth to speak
I only need one!
But she made her decree:
You must not wank for a week
FUCK ME!
You’ve ground your penis down into dust
You’ve got open wounds and they’re oozing pus
This isn’t a maybe, it’s a must
If you want to live to 50
you’ll do as I say
Lock up your penis
and put the tissues away
At first it was easy, I took my time
I didn’t have a wank on the Northern Line
I didn’t have a wank from 9 to 3
I thought y’know what? maybe I’ve found the new me!
This isn’t so hard, it’s been much harder
Is this how they wrote the Magna Carta?
Take a quick break, a brief respite
From rubbing red raw your rocketship
And you’ll be amazed at what you can accomplish
I know I was, now listen to this:
I’ve taken up knitting, I’ve learnt to ski
I’ve reconnected with my family
Every single day I cook three square meals
I’ve resurrected the Iran Nuclear Deal
On Wednesday I prepared a glorious feast
For the heads of state in the Middle East
Yes, my cock has brought about peace
I’ve renamed him the Political Peacemonger
On Thursday he’ll take a stab at world hunger
By Friday you can wave your cancer goodbye
As I wipe a white tear from his wearisome eye
Life was going great, I had no objections
I ditched the porn, I found a new direction
I grew accustomed to my disaffection
That is, until, I caught my reflection
Oh Christ, I’ve gone and got a public erection
I got off the bus and rushed home quick
My diagnosis? A stubborn prick
I slammed the door and tore off my pants
I grabbed the lube and warmed up my hands
Truth is, I was just about ready to weep
And then I came and fell asleep
